I don't want to go home!

Reason to Smile: Some relief and some peace of mind after a long time. 

15^th April 2017

All set to define what this so called ‘phase’ is, I am here to write anything and everything that comes to my mind, body, heart and soul. These days all I am advised is to pen down all my thoughts and feelings by those friends who think I write well. They have read those two stories I had written earlier and were also published on akkarbakkar.com

Here’s something I would like to present from my desk once again. Not that I was ready for this one but the kind of response I realized I gathered on my latest story (nearly 7200 likes on facebook, more than 100 shares and comments), I thought there is surely no harm in being better on this. Also this seems to be a good space when I literally have all the time in the world for such activities.

‘I don’t want to go home.’ said a very small crying girl inside me. I was totally tired of doing the daily chores of passing each day with a smile, convincing myself that this joblessness would be a boon someday, take it easy, and just praying that it helps me sail through. I did all those. I am still doing it. But I am exhausted. Yes, just about 6 months of no job, no personal life, no professional life, no direction in life, no sensibilities to work upon, I got fed up. I am anyways a restless person. Deep down, I am very positive about what will greet me eventually and how I will overcome all the challenges but what kills me for now, within, is the inability to accept this ‘phase’

I don’t get insecure. I am neither frustrated nor cribbing about the decision I took a couple of months back that led to this time in my life. I am just not feeling well. I know I am just not happy. Ironically, it is not because I don’t have a job or the money isn’t flowing in or I am unable to pursue my personal goals. Strangely, it is something else. I haven’t been at peace since a long time now. It is perhaps about me, my fears, my weaknesses and my inactions that have started surfacing in layers and is now brewing up to the tee. It is making me vulnerable. It is also bringing in the strength to try new things at the same time. Yet I am not confident to channelize these energies to something more meaningful. I have become so sure of so many things that I think I can do that now I have become unsure of what I should do. Jack of all traits, master of none feeling. My education, experience, exposure and extreme dedication to the corporate bandwagon suddenly is perceived futile. I don’t feel the pinch personally but I do feel the emptiness within. A certain amount of immense vacuum. It is also not about the control and the decisions I used to have an easy access to. I have always been a person who never believed in taking the ‘right’ decisions. I always took them first and made them right. And to come to think of it, this instinctive behavior in me has never disappointed me by far. I surely have made mistakes but never regretted any. I always felt blessed that I made them, I took control over them, and that I would own up to them. But now, I suddenly feel very lonely, emotionally immature and extremely fragile. There is something I am also longing for since a very long time. I am indeed chasing for something nice, warm, soft, tender and very beautiful. Something ecstatic. Something that can make me feel that now everything is perfect and nothing can go wrong. Very ideal.  Very gentle and very very fairytale like. As if some new born has opened his eyes for the first time, sees the mother, feels the warmth of the hugs and tries to smile! So human and so touching. Would you ever want to go away from that moment? Would you ever want that moment to cease? It is so natural one wished as if everything just stopped and life went on hold forever, at that one special feeling. 

I was very close to one such feeling when I was crying my guts out, like a 3 year old. This was in front of someone I adore the most from the bottom of my heart. It has been 10 years I haven’t come out of him. It has only built better. It has only doubled and not sure if this will ever fade either.

I had met him for a reason. But at the end of everything I just hugged him super tight, broke down badly, feeling shattered and into bucketful tears. So when he obviously checked on why & what happened, all I could only utter is ‘I don’t want to go home’ as if it meant to be a mandatory reply. It came out naturally out of my heart and I myself did not know the reason until I was blissfully shaken by what he said after. He stared at me for a really long time, paused, took a deep breath and as a response to my plea said ‘Neha you are lucky you get to go home!’ I was speechless. I had totally forgotten that one should never forget to count the blessings. I deeply felt a sense of thankfulness towards him.

It is not that I needed these validations. It is not even that I don’t know the answers to what’s going on right now. It is not that I wanted to be re-assured of good events. I know and I am very well facing this phase, the time, the energies, the downfall or so to speak the opportunities. It is surely all in the mind. It is not about knowing what can go wrong further. It is about making things right with what I have now. There is no such turmoil that won’t pass. There isn’t any happiness that will remain permanent either.  If that passed, this too shall pass. Whether good or bad.

This remarkably reminds me of a striking comment he made while I was leaving with a very strong handshake ‘Take care Neha. Get a grip’

All of us intend to, needs to, and what must do is literally ‘take care of ourselves so that we can get a clear grip on our lives’

Thanks Buddy for marvelously helping me gulp down smoothly this feeling of being stuck. The senses of self doubt and over reaction had made it all worse. Thanks for always being there. You have been the best to me always. Love you loads.

Keep Smiling :)